1. Fall in love and be loved in return
Out of all of the ridiculous things on my list, I hate this one the most. And although I originally wanted to never change a thing on my list, I think I might with number one.
I made this list over a year ago and I’m in a much different mindset now. Before, I just wanted love so badly. I thought it could change me, I thought someone could save me. I hated me. I hated the situations I had put myself in. I wanted companionship, a relationship, something. I wanted someone to take care of me. I felt so low.
It was naive of me to think like that. I think much differently now. The only person who can change you is yourself. You may be influenced by others and learn lessons from others, but only you have the power to make changes.
I don’t like the term ‘love’. It’s scary and not necessary in a lot of cases. To be honest, I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t crave it like I used to. If it happens, that’s cool, but if not, that’s okay too. I’m more looking for the adventures and experiences in life than for love, specifically.
No, I’ve still never had a boyfriend. I still don’t think I’ve even been on a legitimate date. That doesn’t really eat away at me anymore, though. There are still times that I feel insignificant and unloved and unimportant, but it’s not because I’ve never had romantic love.
I honestly don’t even know what I meant by ‘falling in love’. I don’t know how you can even gauge that sort of thing and decide when to cross it off. What the fuck, Alyssa.
Love and relationships and all that shit is more of an adventure to me now. A lesson in life, not a necessity. I don’t care anymore, not because of any specific situation that has happened to me, but because I’ve grown up.
Maybe I’ve also just gotten more scared, but that’s another story. It doesn’t matter.
So, for all these reasons, I am changing number one on my list. It will now be:
1. Spend a whole day being peaceful and happy. No sadness or anxiety allowed.
That might be even harder to cross off than the first idea I had.